Weight, Weight Don't Tell Me: or how I decided to give up my scale for 30 days.

My alarm goes off at 6:15 AM like it does most mornings.  The first thing I do when I get out of bed is weigh myself; or let’s be honest, I pee, since that may make the number on the scale a few ounces less.  I’ve been “good” for several days in a row, and by good I mean I have eaten a low calorie, low carb diet.  My hopes are up that I am on a downward trajectory, which will be a vast improvement over the upward climb of my weight this summer.  No such luck.  I’m up a half a pound.  WTH? My mood quickly turns south, and I start plotting out what I’m going to eat and not eat on this day to make up for my sins of the summer.  This is a typical day in my life.  Sigh.

I really don’t want to be the person the above paragraph describes.  I aspire to be a woman who is not emotionally held hostage to the number on the scale, who loves and accepts herself at any size, and who can finally let go of the cycle of basing her happiness and worth as a woman on the numbers she sees every morning of her life.

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster of weight loss and gain my entire life, and the people who love me have unfortunately been along for the ride.  For years I was 20 – 30 lbs. overweight, which on my small frame felt and looked more like 50.  Nowadays, I struggle with 10 – 15 lbs.  I think there was one day in like 1999 when I wore a size 4 pair of jeans, and would you believe that it was the day after Thanksgiving spent at home in Mississippi?  Maybe I could have worn a size 2 the day before Thanksgiving that year.  If you think I’m joking, I’m not: I gain weight just by thinking about food.  I’ve probably gained a pound or two writing this paragraph. 

To make matters worse, I have two daughters who are growing up watching me weigh every day.  I try hard not to talk about dieting and weight in front of them, but privacy is not something I have yet experienced as a mom: my girls still come in and out of my bathroom. For them, a closed door may as well be an invitation for them to enter. They notice the daily weigh ins. I worry about what that does to their body image and their relationship to food and weight.  I want to be a role model for health, emotional and physical.  What messages am I sending them?  I do give them positive messages and try my best to model healthy behaviors, such as regular exercise and enjoying treats in moderation.  Our family motto is practically “will bike for treats”.  What’s not to love about that?  I’m far from perfect but I don’t think I’ve completely screwed them up.  Yet. 

I have clients who have deep struggles with their body image and their weight.  I sometimes feel like a fraud counseling them when I am also struggling with my own issues around my body.  I’m offering myself compassion for this one, though.  Counselors are human, too, and are not exempt from struggles and insecurities, far from it. 

After my weigh in this morning and my subsequent gloom over the half a pound gained, I decided something needs to give.  I’m worn out.  Can I go a day, a week, a month without weighing myself?  The thought of not having my daily weigh in panics me.  What if I gain a bunch of weight?  How will I know how I’m doing with my continuing battle?  Might this be an opportunity to listen intuitively to my body rather than allowing a scale to hold me hostage emotionally?  Ha! Can I allow myself to trust my body, not fight against it but actually listen to it, and perhaps even offer it, if not love, a truce?  I decide I’m ready to try. 

When my husband gets home from work I ask him if he would hide the scale from me for a month.  I didn’t have to ask him twice.  It was out of sight within 5 minutes of our conversation.  A few minutes later my good friend came over and I tell her my plan.  She tells my husband she will take the scale home with her in case I try to find it.  She knows me well.  She also tells him she has been telling me for years to ditch the scale.  I guess I wasn’t ready yet.  I’m not sure I’m ready now but I’ve committed.  No weighing until September 14.  Now that I’ve written about it and shared it, I have to stick to my guns. 

I will follow up in 30 days on how it goes.  Wish me luck!

Love y’all,

Rebecca